HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
|Noted: This outfit was a completely sober decision. Also, I like to smile. Smiling's my favourite. (Obviously my new Tinder photo.)|
*WARNING: Much swearing and vulgarity to follow*
Ahhh a brand new year and a new chance to make a completely new you! Hopefully one who is 30 pounds lighter, smarter, faster, stronger, and can avoid all free donuts at the office.
We can dream, can't we?
I love New Years. Most of all because it's the perfect time to go on a diet. Millions of people around the world are right there with you. Either you're failing together, or you get to be SMUG because YOU DID IT. (So what if you tried to eat your pillow last night when you were dreaming about doughnuts? The wild and desperate look in your eye the next day only adds to your sex appeal!)
Being a model for Crohn's Disease means that I'm trying out a diet before my usual January colonoscopy. (Are you SO EXCITED for those details?! I AM!) I want my GI doctor to go in and come out saying 'I've never seen such beautiful intestines! Spotless!' I mean, if I could lose weight on this diet awesome, but I'm always aiming for the happy, beautiful on the inside(of my intestines) look.
Whole30 is the name of the game. I mean, if you want to be cool about it, it's #Whole30 #Whole30crew #Whole30ohmygodwhencanIhavetoast #NEVER #Imeanitsonly30days
I'm doing real good so far. I only just resorted to stress-eating a mashed banana with dry roasted pecans on top. Like a goddamn lady. Early I had attempted to make some homemade mayo. "All you do is mix these things" they said, "it's so simple" they said. Well you can suck it (not you Julia Child, you're lovely and I appreciated all your side tips and advice that nobody else gave.)
I failed twice. Two things I hate wasting: time and food. My results were just a tangy liquid. Not what I was hoping for. Advice and tips encouraged, folks. Keep in mind, I do not have an emulsifier blender....though if you have one, feel free to give it to me. I was working with the hand mixer. Maybe next time I should go hardcore Julia Child method and whisk by hand!
Anyways. My other New Years Resolutions are going quite well. My only real firm one every year: floss more. You just can't go wrong there.
I went a little crazy this year and made a list of eight things to work on. Here they are:
1. Floss, it deserves repeating.
2. None of your business.
|It may involve multiple forms of therapy.|
3. Be healthier.
4. Reduce flare-ups. Had two before NYE and I am not okay with that.
5. Read more. But also no buying new books. I must read all that I own, or make use of this really cool thing called a LIBRARY. My sister is going to be a librarian someday soon and I figure I should probably support her in her field.
6. None of your business.
|It may, or may not, be related to this saucy photo.|
7. Pursue delight. (Which also includes pursuing things that make me laugh.)
8. No booze January. (In relation to my diet, this is much easier! I enjoy my nightly tea. Although I did swoon a little when I turned down a scotch at a friends house. I held strong though. Smugness will be mine!)
There. Isn't that lovely. Obviously the 'none of your business' ones must pertain to drugs, sex and rock 'n' roll. I mean, I'm so cool like that, clearly. *See first picture above for reference*
Whole30 hasn't said much about heroin use, so I'm pretty excited to get going.
I am kidding, Mom. Seriously. Have you seen Requiem for a Dream? I saw that at 15 and oh my god, that will keep me church girl clean till I'm 80. After 80 all bets are off.
What are your New Years Resolutions? If you need to borrow one of mine, I highly recommend number 1. Dental work is expensive and so, so horrible.
Lots of love, stay off drugs,