03 December 2015

When You Need A Little More Happy

I woke up this morning at 4:33am because I was having a nightmare. With the state of the world right now, is it any surprise? Actually, it is a surprise. My nightmare was about being attacked in bed by a snowshoe crab.

A crab.

I'm not even entirely sure I know what a snowshoe crab looks like...is that even a thing...'snowshoe crab'? I'm sure I've heard it before... and I'm sure as hell not going to Google it because it looked terrifying in my nightmare and I don't want to research it more. Someone else get on it. I'll describe it to you and you can tell me if that's what it looks like.

And that's besides the point. I was being attacked because my arm got caught underneath it and, as everyone knows (in the world of this dream) if you get underneath a snowshoe crab, it will attack. My mother was not five feet away on the phone, distracted, and I could not get her attention to grab me a spoon.

Because everyone knows that a shiny spoon distracts the snowshoe crab. You gotta get the back of the spoon underneath the eyes and mouth of the crab and it calms right down, like a baby. (That's a thing right? Babies like shiny things and calm right down when they have them. Kind of like how I am with pizza and wine.)

I hope my brother and sister-in-law aren't reading this because I really want to babysit my nephew and I'm not entirely sure I'm making a very good case for myself.

ANYWAYS. I couldn't call out to my mother to get off the damn phone and get me a freaking spoon because my throat was dry and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't call out 'MOM'! I had to save my own damn self and pull myself out of the dream....

....then I searched quite dramatically around my bed for a crab (not there, thank goodness). And pulled up the news on my phone and proceeded to cry over the recent mass shooting out in California.


So I've decided to give myself an exercise in creativity. Everyday I will post something ridiculous and silly. Because I want my world to have more ridiculousness and silliness in it. I am tired about crying over mass shootings, home grown terrorists, ISIS terrorists, Trump, refugees, bombing Syria, and I am really sick of how much DAMN FREEDOM we give snowshoe crabs, letting them just go wherever they please and letting terror win. NO MORE CRABS.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to whatever poor marine biology student stumbled upon this post in search of more information on the snowshoe crab.


Right now here are 10 things that make me happy:

1. 'Tis the season for Elf. Thank goodness for that movie. It's wonderful and I'm going to watch it on Friday night, in a onesie, with pizza and wine. Then I'm gonna watch Home Alone. Because if Kevin McCallister can face the scary world, so can I.

2. This post that I wrote.  It's very silly and I love it. Also, I have come so far.

3. In order to save money for two trips to London next year (and also to fuel my Whole Foods addiction...*hangs head in shame*) I took on a part time dog walking job. It makes me so happy because everyday my clients (the dogs) are ECSTATIC to see me. "You're here?! For ME?! And we're WALKINGOMGGGGGGG!!!!" Who gets to have that much happy at their jobs? If you need a good laugh, I'd be happy to reenact the dog wiggle dance for you. Also, I have this one lab that can't handle how excited she is, so she lays down for a belly rub immediately when I come inside the house. Another dog, who is a very big black lab, gets so excited about a walk that he barks like a maniac then needs to go get a toy to calm himself down. Dogs are the kind of happy I want to be.

4. I'm going to go to London in February. This makes my heart very, very happy.

5. Coffee. I live in a world that has coffee.

6. My nephew is almost 9 months old and he is the cutest thing EVER. He's cuter than puppies, guys. I can't share pics cause he's anti-social media and that is OK. Just know that he'll melt your heart. And someday I'm going to teach him the very best swear words. Then he'll be the cutest, foulmouthed child. And I'll be so proud I could give something back to this world.

7. I actually got Candy Cane Joe-Joes this year. I'm already down one box and have another waiting in the wings.

8. I have two weddings next year that I am SO EXCITED about being in. Next summer is going to be stellar.

9. All the very best humans I know are reproducing. Which is real good. We need all the good humans we can get.

10. I thought at some point I would have gotten sick of Chipotle. Nope. Just tried out their Sofritas in a burrito bowl and it is all I can think about right now. WHEN can I have that again?? Despite recent issues they've had, it can't scare me away. You know, if you want to get me Christmas gifts this year, I would not be opposed to Chipotle gift cards. Seriously. One time in London, I went so frequently that the workers at the St. Martin's Lane location would just slip me a free burrito card because they knew how happy it would make me.

Okay. That's all for now. I'm going to go make some coffee and tackle some things for the day. Probably gonna carry a spoon around with me all day. Fucking crabs....